Gun Control Sweeps CMU


In a shocking sign of government overreach, the Student Senate recently signed into law new Nerf gun control legislation. The original bill aimed to ban all mentally disturbed individuals from owning Nerf guns; however, that law had to be weakened as that includes everyone at Carnegie Mellon.

The new legislation aims to control the types of Nerf guns that all-American (and all-foreign) CMU students are allowed to own. The most frustrating restrictions include magazine limits of six darts per gun and bans any Nerf gun that could be considered excessively awesome dangerous. A permit is also required to buy a Nerf gun, which can be obtained either by taking 8 weeks of Nerf gun safety courses or by buying pizza for the people at the Info Desk.

Not everyone is pleased with the new Nerf gun legislations. In a recent survey, only 10% of undergraduates supported these regulations vs. 15% against any new gun laws (75% were unaware that CMU had a Student Senate). Several students were actively planning to overthrow the Senate, but due to some poorly-labeled Facebook posts they are currently being held in Guantanamo Bay for attempted treason. Several CS majors have hoarded dozens of Nerf guns and thousands of darts in the Gates 3000 cluster, taking the Tazza D’Oro hipsters as hostages until their demands are met. This plan seems to be fundamentally flawed, as no one gives a shit about hipsters. Also, they’ve started a giant Nerf gun war in Gates, which looks both incredibly dangerous and fun as hell. readme predicts no survivors.

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